Anushka-our daughter

"I need a baby", I said. She blinked like a rocket and then may be her head got shut down.

It was our first date after three years at the newly opened Barista."What!!" she cried loud and may be wanted to slap me tight. "Are you crazy, we have broke up three years and this is just a "Hi" visit, you must be out of your mind, jerk", replied she.

It was lovely fine September morning if I am not wrong, when I met her after thirteen years. I got the news that she is in town for her admission in LAW. We were nine when we met at a family wedding and I still remember the hide and seeks that we used to play to get rid of our boredom from that stupid marriage ceremony, but after that no see. Its pass a decade that we only remember our names. I was waiting for Manisha at the bus stop as we talked the last night. I invented her number the yesterday from someone we both know. We had to talk, obviously. About all the shits that happened, about the plays when we missed each other and about the school tournaments when I broke my ankle to defend the final goal. I was wondering how we will react, it was lovely to wait for her that day.

She gained weight and was looking a little plump but sweet as always. The smile I can remember is still the same. She walked down form the staircase of the city bus and then it happened like reading a James Joyce. Fluent, Lovely and mysterious. It didn't me long to find her who she is and how I like the 'she' in her. I just woke that Friday and rang her to say,’ would you like to be mine?’ She unhesitatingly denied but in vain. I can still feel the first kiss just after town days when we thought of annoying the whole planet or may be the universe to be together.

The cappuccino smell woke me to my present. "This is rubbish! Have you called me for all this crap? I am just too unhappy", Manisha exhausted.

"No........ please! It’s not the way you think. I am not coming back to your life but I just need a baby from you", I know I was disgusting while saying this to her. "Well actually we promised each other on that", I was just trying to be rational.
"Huh! A baby? Do you know what you are saying? I am broke with you since last three years and you are silly to say this to me now. Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Dudul (that’s what she calls me) you must be out of your mind. I am no longer there. We are broke. Wake up, let’s move on. I know its tough but we have to. I know I like you still but it’s not the same. I want to study, work, go abroad and may be marrying someone else someday. C’mon we had enough of the talks on that, please!” she pat me with the tissue paper which she always used to pick to write our names.

"Yeah! I am sorry", said I in no consciousness. "Can I call you sometimes?" I added as she was rubbing the tissue through her upper lips to avoid the white moustache made of the coffee. Her lips are still new to me, they look like a baby’s one, still soft. I wanted to kiss her again.

"Well! Only if you don’t talk silly, but please no calls at night, only when are free, is it okay?’ she allowed in conditions. 'Thanks, I needed that; it was nice to see you again but hei! Loose some weight, huh!” we smiled and smiled over again and I felt like three years younger again. She waved me with her same poise and said good bye. "See you soon". I heard that from her.

Anushka will never meet her mom and dad. She will never come here to play chess and badminton with her father and to disturb her mom with chocolate dirty clothes on her birthdays. Anushka will never take her father to the nearest woods for fishing and she will never hold her mom's hand when she will have a fight with her father. Anushka will be no where; she will only be in her father's dream and may be she will die with him one day. Anushka was our sweet little girl before three years.'

Password Night

"I changed my password, now it’s her name and the way I used to talk to her". Huh! May be I am trying to be more romantic than I am. Yeah, that's what may be coz at 3 am nobody is bothered to change his password. Yes, I need a better tomorrow, a better life, better friends and everything better.

May be today evening and always that I say "I forgive you because I have no choice. If black humor is all I get, then I will laugh in my hell about how she got to travel. We never found the time." it’s all empty left behind those times. I know tonight she had more questions, than I had answers, and more than once I raised my hand rather than try. She stepped off that bus and never came home and I forgive you. You think I’m naive but you don’t know me. I have a complicated understanding of my feelings.

She looked at him and smiled without showing her teeth, as if they shared a secret joke. She hooked her arm around his waist; he pulled her shoulders close and together they gazed at what I dreamt of mine. Her smiles, lips and the warmth. It was not that time when I gave up. It was that birthday when she stood on the wheels whose winds takes away my believe in her, in all. She said she was up set and wanted to be happy without me. And may be better or not, I let her go with poise and guilt's in hand and arm. She hugged me before she left. It was long when i kissed her eye lids softly.


The next day was entirely different. Longer hours of sun were bringing the thaw. From time to time I stood and looked through the kitchen window at men on their bellies doing their work. We’re not religious about our work then why so. I asked the same question," Can I be the same, be the man which my Ma wanted me to be or my friends ever dreamt, a success? Huh! Who cares? I picked up my semi graded cell phone to call a few of my friends to ask whether they know the incident or not? Her brother got the first grade in his final papers. I was happy. But nobody knew it like I thought and exchanged a regular smile over the network. I understood, they know more than I believe, they knew we were broke.

I was totally drank that day, had a fight with her. I was questioning about her belongings, to me or to the car. She replied negative and i reached my room like the old king of tragedy with a bottle of Vodka and a few leaves of marijuana to puff away my pain in agony. A knock woke me and I thought that may be I took a long sleep with my tipsy heart. I pushed the wooden door which now sounds like a door on the sets of some mystery movies. Karrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...............................I saw her standing in my favourite maroon salwar. I swear she was looking very beautiful but i was angry to react, so i decided to keep numb. I wanted to say look into my eyes, don't you know how it feels you go apart. But for heaven I never knew that miracle can happen like that. She came in and slapped me just before she kissed me. It was like I wanted to seal the moment into a bottle and throw it to the pacific so that no can finds it. We kissed like innocents, like wild, like everything. "Ummmmmmm... It’s not bad, I like you and don't want you to be stupid, i will kill you if you do the same again", she mesmerised my world.
OK! Now it’s nearly dawn, I need a cigarette; my laptop also blinks in low battery! Electricity still remains the problem for people like me in so called BPL. My God, it’s the last cigarette which I wanted to save for the morning urgency. Tomorrow is nothing new but Asom Banndh. So called liberalists called for the equal rights of all. Sometimes i ponder whether that day will arrive when we all will get that we deserve or we will end up fighting in many ways. Ufff......... too big for now to think, I need the puff. Search the drawer for those leaves which I wanted to leave may be long years ago. I know I still dope. Gone close to my shaded open window and lit it, amazing taste of tobacco runs through my curves of throat and accompany my thoughts. "Gosh! When the morning will come?”